NOV 30 Mayan Calendar

Today, I am thankful for the Mayan calendar.

Here is another calendar that is counting down, except this one doesn't have any yummy chocolates to scarf down on a daily basis.

Really, Mayans? That's a way to be a buzz killer.

No. this calendar is just counting down the days till we are dead, December 21, to be exact. I am thankful for the Mayan calendar because it got me blogging more. Although, it makes me question whether I should even do any Christmas shopping this year.

I guess instead of shopping, we can celebrate the days until our doom by getting drunk and staying drunk the entire time. If the Mayan dooms-day prophecy doesn't kill you, it's probably because (1) the Mayans were wrong, or (2) the alcohol got to you first.

If, by mere chance, the Mayans are correct and mayhem ensues on December 21, I'm sure that zombies will be on the loose somewhere. Thank God I have watched enough episodes of The Walking Dead to know how to survive such an apocalypse, that's if I survive the Mayan prophesy, and I don't become a zombie myself.

Dumb zombies!

But, if the Mayans are wrong, I will party like it's 1999 and file "December 21, 2012" next to the Y2K bust. I guess we will all find out on December 22, 2012.

BLAHG you later!

NOV 29 Advent Calendars

Today, I am thankful for Advent calendars.

So what if the history of the Advent calendar is, well, history? I'm sure most of us know little of it, other than, it is a chocolatey countdown to Christmas.

The typical Advent calendar waiting to be ravished by chocolate lovers, on a daily basis.

They come in many different forms, but they all count down to Christmas Day. After that, you are on your own. But there is always Dick Clark's, New Year's Eve Ball Drop in New York City for those that desire to keep counting down to something.

Fancy wooden pyramid (or Christmas tree) of Advent-URE!

Everything I know about Advent calendars I learned from the 350-page book entitled, "The History of The Advent Calendar." OK, I just made that up. Some of my knowledge of Advent calendars can be attributed to the most reliable encyclopedia on the web, Wikipedia. Most of it, though, comes from the movie, Bad Santa. Candy corn, HILARIOUS!!

"Well, they can't all be winners, can they?"

"Should I fix you some sandwiches?"

Let the countdown begin.

BLAHG you later!

NOV 28 Baby Wipes

Today, I am thankful for baby wipes.

Those days of crusty, baby-butt bottoms are gone, thanks, in part, to moist towelettes in handy, moist-preserving containers known as baby wipes, or as I like to call them, ASS WIPERS!

BAWs, Baby Ass Wipers, a generalized term.

If it's cleaning a baby's butt (BB), it's called a baby wipe. If it's cleaning your adult ass (AA), it's called an ass wiper. But for this blog post, let us call them baby ass wipers, or simply BAWs.

Not only do BAWs clean baby butt, and AA, very well, it also cleans puppy dog butt, too! How exciting! (Not really.)

Just because it's cute, doesn't mean it's not stinky.

BAWs really are the better choice for cleaning. They just moisten things up and make it easier to clean up any dry residue. When you've had too much Mexican food and you're fighting World War III inside your stomach, BAWs are a gentle, cool, refreshing cleanse on your burning butt. You may have to air it out for a little while to let it dry, otherwise, you won't know if you've had a "little accident" again. Even if you don't have babies, you can carry your own BAWs in fashionable cases that make it more acceptable for all.

Is that a coin purse? "No! It's a fashionable Vera Bradley BAWs clutch purse. I hear Gucci makes one too."

BAWs clean so well that you can use them on anything: cleaning a public toilet seat before you sit on it; removing food stains from your clothes; conditioning your leather sofas; they make your shoes shiny again; Dexter uses them to remove blood stains; even hazardous chemical spills are no match for BAWs. In fact, I believe OSHA has now included BAWs in their recommended format for Material Safety Data Sheets.

Don't ask what is in BAWs. Just know that they work. Don't go concocting your own secret recipe for homemade BAWs...

Because somebody will do this...

And somebody will have an accident with that knife.

You'll be too busy admiring your own concoction, thinking of marketing plans to help distribute your product to the four corners of the world...

You think baby is amazed at your homemade BAWs.

Meanwhile, baby gives you a reality check...

"Meh! I wasn't impressed."

Don't let baby give you a reality check. Just spend your money on over-priced designer BAWs clutch purses. Because somebody HAS designed them, and somebody IS going to buy them.

BLAHG you later!

NOV 27 Cake

Today, I am thankful for cake.

I love cake! Who doesn't love cake? It is yummy, delicious, sweet, moist, fluffy, creamy, rich. I could go on forever. Most importantly, cake is healthy. A study from MyOwnResearch Organization has almost published a study stating that cake is, in fact, healthier than originally thought.

Individually, the ingredients could be deemed harmful and could probably be used to make explosives, but mixed together they make a harmonious, scrumptious orgasm for your mouth (maybe more for some people).

Cakes are so versatile and go well with many occasions. 

Graduations call for cake.

It's like taking a bite out of your worst memories in high school, then shitting them out to be gone forever.

The most common occasion for cake is birthdays. Thank God for mothers birthing babies everyday. Somewhere out there is someone celebrating a birthday today, or at least, eating some birthday cake. If you are not having a birthday, it's probably because you're dead. However, we will still eat some cake on your behalf.

More proof that cakes are healthy. They don't explode when exposed to fire. 

What!? That's not a book? It's really CAKE? Oh, sweet surprise!

My favorite kind of cakes are cupcakes. Easy, single servings. No knives required. No plates required. And sometimes you can shove it all in your mouth without making a mess on your hands or your face. (However, if you choke on it, you may make a mess on the floor if you pass out and unwillingly relieve your bowels.)

Perfect size cake for those times when you are being chased by the neighbors big, mean dog.

Cake, you can have yours AND eat it too!...as long as you're alive (according to the almost published MyOwnResearch Organization study).

BLAHG you later!

NOV 26 Dog Harnesses

Today, I am thankful for dog harnesses.

I have two small dogs and I love them. I don't want to kill them. That is why I love dog harnesses. Dog collars and crackhead baby dogs that want to dart across the street chasing after squirrels or just want to make a prison break for it are not a good combination because they could snap their necks or crush their tracheas when the leash reaches its maximum length.

I'm sure my dogs get teased by the bigger dogs that aren't as susceptible to such neck injuries for the way they look in their harnesses, but, I am helping preserve their tracheas and their lives. Who cares what the harnesses look like. Besides, those other dogs are just big and dumb. (Unless, they are really smart like a poodle or something.)

This is Lilly. The harness is doing its job.

Here is another example of how the harness helps protect their delicate trachea.

This is Chino. Look at that perfect form just from wearing the harness.

Let's take another look, from a different angle.

His trachea is in a well protected position.

If harness-wearing were a Dog Olympic sport, Chino would be the Nadia Comaneci with a perfect score of ten for form, style, and tracheal safety.

Dog harnesses ARE life harnesses.

BLAHG you later!

NOV 25 George Foreman Grill

Today, I am thankful for the George Foreman Grill.

Some people prefer charcoal burning grills. Some prefer gas burning grills. I prefer the electric kind, the George Foreman Grill, or the GFG. Not only is it healthy grilling, it's all-year long grilling, at any time of the day, in any place with a 120V electrical wall outlet or power extension cord.

 

Thank you, Mr. Foreman for not losing your mind after all those punches to the head.

Grill masters will frown upon the GFG users in much the same way, I imagine, that Michelangelo would frown upon kindergarten kids calling themselves artists for making finger paintings. I, on the other hand, consider myself a Michelangelo grill master of the GFG.

I have finally mastered how to make tasty medium rare steaks on the GFG. That is ALL I will grill now; well, that and hot dogs. I tried making soup on there once, but it made a horrible mess. (FYI, liquids and electrical power cords don't play well together, even on the GFG.)

My canvas!!

Here is the secret to grilling an awesome steak on the GFG, DON'T CLEAN IT. That's right. Don't clean the GFG and your food comes out tasting like filet mignon even if it's just ground beef.

Did I mention it's also healthy cooking? I really don't know about that claim. What I do know is that I don't have a house full of smoke that you would get from real grills. I confine my smoke to just the kitchen.

Say hello to my little friend...

Just the right size for one big ass burger.

Next time you feel like grilling, but can't because it's storming outside and all that rain would put a damper on your grilling fire, reach for a George Foreman Grill and grill indoors until your heart is content. And pray there is no power outage, then you'll be out of luck and you'll be stuck with raw meat slowly going bad.

BLAHG you later!

NOV 24 Strong Flushes

Today, I am thankful for strong flushes.

Going to a restroom that you are unfamiliar with is stressful. You don't know what to expect. You are not sure of the acoustics or sound proofing in that restroom. Above all, you have no idea what kind of flush you are going to get. Personally, I love a toilet with a strong flush.

Toilets with strong flushes are very reassuring. The last thing you want to see after you have used a toilet unfamiliar to you is the water slowly rising, especially after you have dropped off the kids with the pets. That nervous feeling is up there next to, "Please don't be pregnant!" and "Please don't give me a ticket!"

The classic white with handle.

The toilet with the handle is still superior to the auto-flush toilet. You have to keep moving on those, or else, you end up with a wet lower back from the splash.

The modern contemporary toilet for the incarcerated.

And matching His and His toilet and urinal...in pink.

Next time you find yourself in unfamiliar territory, trial flush the toilet first before unloading anything that you don't want to go overboard. If you are in Mexico, you're shit out of luck. Just drop and run!!

BLAHG you later!

NOV 23 Paper Plates

Today, I am thankful for paper plates.

Who doesn't love paper plates? Maybe the people of PAPPA-OPS Organization, an organization that is against the use of paper plates and other paper products. The acronym stands for People Against Paper Plates And Other Paper Stuff.

Regardless of what the PAPPA-OPS campaign is, I am all for the use of paper plates. Let me tell you why.

Dixie paper plates, or how I like to call them D-Plates. I'm sorry, I don't have any D-Cups to show you.

Paper plates are awesome because:

1. They make a cool pattern from the print on the edge of the plate when they are stacked high, almost psychedelic.

2. There is no emotional attachment to paper plates like there is for fine china, even not-so-fine china. If a china plate breaks, people cry,"It belonged to my great, great-grandmother. Boo hoo!" If a paper plate breaks, WAIT! It won't break because it's made out of paper. Even if it is torn, you have a stack full to choose from.

3. They keep the kitchen clean, at least the sink. You won't have as many dirty dishes in the sink or the washer. Now if you have them in the washer, you are one cheap, not-so-bright individual (or the nicer way to say it, DUMBASS!).

4. You can go as cheap as you want, or as fancy as you want with your paper plates. I prefer a middle ground. Too cheap, and it looks like I am dirt poor. Too fancy, and people will want me to move my double-wide trailer home to Beverly Hills. Middle ground says enough money to have food, too poor to afford real plates. I'm fine with that.

5. You can use them to move big furniture around the house. Slide them under the sofa feet and push away, it's that easy. (WARNING: it only works if you have carpet and are sober.)

6. You can play Drunk Frisbee with them when you're...drunk. However, do not move furniture.

Paper plates have so many good uses. It's a shame the PAPPA-OPS Organization is campaigning to eliminate them from the world.

BLAHG you later!

NOV 22 Louisiana

Today, I am thankful for Louisiana.

Louisiana, you are a good state. You are our neighbor. You complete me...(only because you have part of Texas' border).

Some day you'll be part of Texas again.

OK, I'll be honest, Louisiana. I don't know who you are, or where you came from. The only thing I know about you I learned from the opening credits sequence from the show, True Blood, and that is some very scary shit. The other is from the show, Swamp People, and that is even more frightening! Needless to say, you frankly scare the crap out of me.

I will say this, though. Today, I am thankful for your hot sauce. Yes, your original "Louisiana Hot Sauce." One drop does it! You make yummy things taste very spicy yummier! (I'm speaking your language now.)

How y'all are?

Take that bag of popcorn, for example. It's just a bag of plain old, organic, olive oil popcorn, but add Louisiana Hot Sauce to it... and it's a freaking fiesta!! You're making me sweat.

Arriba! Arriba!

And when I say you make me sweat, I literally mean that you make me sweat. Spiciness, for some reason, makes my head sweat. (Yes, I know. It's a phenomenon!) But, I can't stop eating the popcorn with your hot sauce. I've had the entire bag. That's a lot of popcorn with a lot of hot sauce I've eaten. It burns on the way in, and it'll probably burn on the way out too. It is a sacrifice I am willing to make. (I'll be taking those words back in the morning.)

I may not know much about you, Louisiana, but all I need to know is that you crafted some mighty nice spicy hot sauce that makes a lot of Mexicans happy. So much so that we have actually claimed it as our own discovery. We even call it "Luisa Hut Sos," or simply "El chile." Muchas grassy-ass.

BLAHG you later!

NOV 21 Voicemail & Texting

Today, I am thankful for voicemail and texting.

Voicemail and texting; it is the best way to avoid having to talk to someone you really don't care talking to. Yes, I know my voicemail greeting says, "I'm sorry I can't take your call right now...blah, blah, blah...leave a message and I'll call you back." I think that is an acceptable standard greeting for voicemail.

What I really want it to say is, "I'm sorry I can't take your call because it's YOU that's calling. But leave me a message so that I won't hear it until a week later, if I even remember." And if your phone number shows up as "Unknown" on my caller ID, don't expect me to even acknowledge that phone call. I won't even let it go to voicemail by itself. I will decline it before it gets to the second ring. I figure, if it's that important, you'll leave a message.

Obviously, my rant would only make sense if people actually called me.

Text me instead. I'll respond, maybe. And if I do, it is NOT a signal for you to call me, unless my text says, "Call me." Texting lets me talk to you without really having to listen to you. The only problem with texting is that sarcasm doesn't come across as obvious. How I wish sarcasm came in a font. (I wonder if Siri can help me with that?)

I will text you even if you are in the same room.

So, if you ever call me and I can't take your call, don't feel bad if it goes to voicemail. I'm probably doing something really important like sleeping or just letting your call go to voicemail. I'm being considerate and I'm just trying to conserve YOUR minutes.

BLAHG you later!

NOV 20 Pointy Cowboy Boots

Today, I am thankful for pointy cowboy boots.

They say never kick a man while he's down. I say that's the best time to kick him. And what better way to do your kicking than with pointy cowboy boots?

I call the style of my boots "L.A. Rock-n-Roll Cowboy."

I'm not exactly doing any kicking nowadays, nor have I ever. I just prefer the pointy cowboy boot. Sure they will squeeze the shit out of my toes, but that's the price I pay for looking bad-ass, plus the cost of the boots. Just because I wear these pointy cowboy boots doesn't mean that I have a clue about being a cowboy. I've only seen cows on TV dissing chickens.

In my mind, this is what I look like when I wear these boots...

In reality, this is what I end up looking like...

There is, however, a new fashion trend in pointy boots. At first I didn't think pointy boots could have fashion trends since a pointy boot is just a pointy boot. It turns out I was wrong. Pointy boots are getting pointier...

I'm not even going to comment on the colors. 

...So pointy, in fact, that they have been outlawed...(I just made that up, but they should be outlawed by the fashion police.)

My first thought when I saw this was, "What the f*ck?"

Oh well, I'll be waiting for the day that those pointy boots become so overly curled that I'll be able to wear them as elf shoes...again.

I wonder if they come in other colors?

Somebody needs to call the fashion SWAT team.

BLAHG you later!

Nov 19 Steak

Today, I am thankful for steak.

I am thankful for medium rare steak. Medium rare, grass-fed steak. Medium rare, grass-fed, no-hormone, free-range steak. I wish that kind of steak only cost a nickel, then I would be happier than a talking gecko on an insurance commercial.

Mmmm. I feel so carnivorous when I stare at this piece of meat.

I finally figured out how to grill it just right.

The only thing missing from this meal is the rest of the cow. Oh, and Monsanto. F*CKERS!

BLAHG you later!

NOV 18 Blogging

Today, I am thankful for blogging.

Where else can I share all my thoughts, ideas, creativeness, and useless talents with no one than with a blog page? Having a blog is not a big deal. Having followers is, though. Someday I will reach five followers. I'm up to TWO followers now, although I'm not sure who one of them is.

"I have a blog" sounds very accomplished. "But only two followers." Reality check!

I will keep on blogging as long as I know there are followers out there. Well, maybe I won't. I did go a year without blogging. At least I'm getting into a habit of blogging more frequently.

The important thing to remember here is that I have begun the process...again. November is almost over. I will have to think of something else to blog about in between photography projects, which by the way I have had since I started the November Thanks Project.

Sneak peek

Until next time, I leave you with my catch phrase...

BLAHG you later!

NOV 17 Car A/C & Heat

Today, I am thankful for my car's A/C & heating.

A couple years back when we had the "Snow Storm of the Century" again, I found myself in quite a predicament. Snow storms in Texas always freeze daily life, no pun intended. OK yes, I intended that pun. Seriously though, all life comes to a complete halt when it snows around here.

This snow storm, perhaps considered a sprinkle by northerners, arrived while I was at work. With many freeways closed due to icy conditions, work provided its employees a place to sleep over to avoid any unnecessary driving under bad road conditions. I immediately thought, "Hell No!" I decided I would take my chances and brave the weather. (You can only tolerate work so much in one day.)

Snow storm of the century #2

All was fine until I realized that the A/C that was giving me trouble during the blistering summer is now part of the heating problem that wasn't heating at all. Son-of-a-Bitch! No heat means frozen windshield. Frozen windshield means no visibility, not to mention, frozen me. No visibility means driving like Ace Ventura in Pet Detective, with my head sticking out the window.

After driving 10mph with frozen snot on my face, having to stop a couple times to remove accumulated ice and snow from the windshield, I realized the importance of fixing the A/C and heating in my car. Needless to say, My new car has an excellent working A/C and heating system, even the seats and steering wheel are heated.

New car and all its modern conveniences.

I'm so glad my hands and butt are toasty warm and cozy when I drive my car in cold weather. And the best part, I can see clearly through the windshield sans the frozen snot.

BLAHG you later!

NOV 16 Remote Controls

Today, I am thankful for remote controls.

The next best thing to sliced bread is remote controls. Remote controls--of any kind; for televisions, fans, toys, etc--make us efficient. They help us conserve our energy. The less time we spend getting up from the couch and pressing buttons on the actual TV, or going outside to play with toy cars, or walking across the room to turn on the ceiling fan switch on the wall, the more time we will have to do nothing.

I find it strange that we will search an entire house for a remote control to change the channel on the TV, but won't get up to change the channel on the actual TV. I think I figured out why. We don't know where the channel buttons are, or any buttons for that matter.

Why would I go outside and play with toy cars when I can sit on the couch and control them remotely? That doesn't require as much effort like having to put on clothes, walk all the way across the house to go outside, and be in who knows what kind of weather. Today's obesity problems can be traced back to the overuse of remote controls says one study that I just made up right now.

The other problem in today's society is finding that ONE perfect remote control to replace all these:

I could duct tape them all to a piece of board...

But, I think I have found the perfect remote control. This IS the ultimate and perfectedest (yes, that's a word I created) remote control...EVER!

BLAHG you later!

NOV 15 Dog Clothes

Today, I am thankful for dog clothes.

Could there be anything cuter than dogs in their own dog clothes? Maybe piglets. I don't own one, so I would't know. I DO know that puppy dogs look freaking adorable! Dog costumes are even better. I'm sure the puppy dogs themselves are not amused. We humans are, and besides, dogs don't care...sort of.

My dog didn't mind clothes when she was a puppy. Then suddenly, one day without warning, she refused to wear them. I would force her to wear them,--after all, I am the master--but she knew how to get back at me. She would not move. She would pout. She would not interact. She refused to look at me. She still does all that when I force her to wear clothes.

The irony of this, is that she is a fru-fru dog, a Yorkie Terrier. I think she is a tomboy dog; doesn't like to be brushed, nor bathed, nor look pretty. I don't think she'll be bringing home any Westminster Dog Show awards, but she did win third-place at the Petsmart Halloween Costume Contest with her Ladybug costume. So technically, she is a prize-winning dog.

This is around the time she decided clothes were not her thing. 

She hides her face in shame because of her prize-winning costume.

Treats always distract her from her hatred for clothes.

Again, pouting and not moving.

She doesn't seem to mind the clothes that much during cold weather.

However, she doesn't like scarves nor shoes.

She didn't move from this spot until I took off the costume.

Why do I keep putting her in dog clothes if she hates it? For my own personal amusement! She looks so cute in them. So what if she hates it? A meaty treat will always make her forget she's wearing clothes. At least wearing clothes is better than having to wear diapers for her period (that's a whole different story for another day).

BLAHG you later!