DEC 22, 2012

Well, we thought we would never see this day, but here we are, December 22, 2012, one day after the Mayan prophesy end-of-the-world date.

The Mayan Prophecy...epic fail, or is it?

For some, it is a great relief. For others, it strengthens the appreciation for life.

For a few, it is a disappointment, especially for those who were carelessly living life like it was their last day, only to realize that they shouldn't have sold all their belongings and told their boss to take their crappy job and shove it up their ass! Not only are these people homeless, penniless, and jobless, now, but they probably have the worst hangover of their life because they thought they wouldn't make it to the next morning. These few are just trying to make it to decent Port-A-Potty so they can relieve themselves.

For the procrastinators who thought they would get out of doing Christmas shopping and were hoping for the Mayan prophesy to be fulfilled, you're shit out of luck. Best of luck--if that's even possible--to you as you head out to the malls this weekend for some late Christmas shopping.

I'm sure your local shopping mall will be as joyful and serene as advertisers make it out to be. Maybe it will even be fun...NOT!

Welcome to every mall in America this weekend.

You're going to wish the world really had ended on December 21st because now you will experience the full onslaught of zombie shopper's dumbassity.

"I saw that toy first. It's mine!"

I'll be the one wearing the yellow hat at the mall, IF I can make it into the mall. (I'm buying a taser gun first then going shopping at the mall.)

What if the Mayans were correct in their end-of-the-world prophecy? Maybe, it just happened that the genius Mayan that was working on the calendar also happened to be the only Mayan with dyslexia. Could the true date for the end of the world be 12/12/21 or 12/21/21?

Who knows? Right now I've got bigger problems. I've got to go Christmas shopping!!!

BLAHG you later!

Dog Conversation

The other day, I overheard a conversation my pups were having. Apparently, it was in regard to when I walk away from the table and leave my food unattended.

"You there, why do you follow him when the food is over here?"

"Because he is going to give me some of his food."

"Yes. But the food is over here, NOT with him."

"I know, but he's going to give me some food."

"He doesn't have the food when he walks away! It's over here!"

"Huh?"

"Sometimes I wonder about you."

"Thhhhwtt"

"Wait, so he doesn't have the food when he walks away?"

BLAHG you later!

Terrierists

I harbor two terrierists. Both dangerous, vicious, and on somebody's most wanted list. There's a price on their head (only when they make me really angry)...sometimes for a discount. The world (of rodents and pussy cats) will not be a safe place until they are captured.

FIRST on the list is the mastermind, Lilly. She is wanted for masterminding everything that the other terrierist gets in trouble for. You really can't blame her, though. She IS the smarter one. (He, on the other hand...well, like the saying goes, ignorance is bliss, and he lives a very blissful life.) She has set him up to get in trouble, then she hides under the bed laughing her ass off. I know because I hear her giggling.

"Did you just sass me?"

She was last seen next to me. She doesn't leave my side. It's like I birthed her out of my ass and the umbilical cord is still attached to both of us. (It's a long and stretchy umbilical cord, too.)

She told me that she wants to let her hair grow out so that next Halloween she can dress up as Chewbacca.

I told her that I would let her hair grow out, but I would style it in a messed up way and buy her a little Hawaiian shirt so that she could go as Nick Nolte's mug shot. She's still thinking about it.

SECOND on the most wanted list is Eli (alias Chino, aka Pinche Perro Cabron), highly sought out by the government's Homeland Security Agency (and by that I mean the dog pound because he likes to run away).

Police artist sketch of the perpetrator. 

This terrierist has no respect for authority. These mug shot photos from his first capture (yes, he has managed to escape again) are proof of his disdain for the law. He truly believes that he is above the law. Even though he is marked for death, he is hard to kill. Some say he is out for justice as he roams on deadly ground.

He managed to fool the authority figures into thinking that he would change his ways as he looked them straight in their eyes.

As soon as the authority figures looked away, his rebel, wild, disrespectful side showed its ugly face...and pink tongue.

He was last seen taking a nap. Don't be fooled, as soon as he finds an open door, he will make a prison break run for it. Unless it's a glass door, then he'll just run right into the glass thinking that there was no door at all. (Like I said, he lives a very blissful life.)

He is a werewolf at heart. No fear!!!

Please do not approach these dangerous terrierists if you see them. Actually, Lilly won't be out there because, more than likely, she will be next to me jumping umbilical cord. Chino, on the other hand, will be out there someday running wild. Do not approach him, unless he is crossing the street like he is a kamikaze squirrel and is surely going to get hit by a car. Then PLEASE catch him. Even cats wonder how he manages to have more lives than they do.

BLAHG you later!

DEC 2 Survival

Today, I am thankful for survival.

Ok, I'm just kidding. November is over and my daily-thanks blogging is officially done. I managed to survive that month-long ordeal. Now, I can go back to blogging sporadically whenever I feel like it.

So much is involved when blogging on a daily basis, like words. There are so many of them when you write. It's exhausting using words in the right context. It's even more draining creating new words, like dumbassity. I'll use it in a sentence. Your dumbassity is the reason you think that wearing your saggy pants below your ass makes you look cool, dumb ass!

Even worse still, saggy skinny jeans.

I actually enjoyed blogging on a daily basis, despite it being arduous at times. I may try it more often now, but not on a daily basis. Of course, I'm just saying this because, according to the Mayan Calendar prophesy, the end of the world is on December 21, 2012. That means there are 19 days left to live; blogging every other day, that's 9 days of writing (much better than the 30 days in November); and probably working the rest of those days so that my tax money can go to the dumb ass zombies who can't even climb a fence. (And, why can't the humans just drive over the onslaught of slow-moving zombies?)

Maybe I should just prepare for zombiegeddon. (You see? That word just took a lot out of me to create.) I will keep you posted on the progress of my zombie preparations.

In more creative news, I've got a fever, and the only remedy for it is more COWBELL!

BLAHG you later!

NOV 30 Mayan Calendar

Today, I am thankful for the Mayan calendar.

Here is another calendar that is counting down, except this one doesn't have any yummy chocolates to scarf down on a daily basis.

Really, Mayans? That's a way to be a buzz killer.

No. this calendar is just counting down the days till we are dead, December 21, to be exact. I am thankful for the Mayan calendar because it got me blogging more. Although, it makes me question whether I should even do any Christmas shopping this year.

I guess instead of shopping, we can celebrate the days until our doom by getting drunk and staying drunk the entire time. If the Mayan dooms-day prophecy doesn't kill you, it's probably because (1) the Mayans were wrong, or (2) the alcohol got to you first.

If, by mere chance, the Mayans are correct and mayhem ensues on December 21, I'm sure that zombies will be on the loose somewhere. Thank God I have watched enough episodes of The Walking Dead to know how to survive such an apocalypse, that's if I survive the Mayan prophesy, and I don't become a zombie myself.

Dumb zombies!

But, if the Mayans are wrong, I will party like it's 1999 and file "December 21, 2012" next to the Y2K bust. I guess we will all find out on December 22, 2012.

BLAHG you later!

NOV 29 Advent Calendars

Today, I am thankful for Advent calendars.

So what if the history of the Advent calendar is, well, history? I'm sure most of us know little of it, other than, it is a chocolatey countdown to Christmas.

The typical Advent calendar waiting to be ravished by chocolate lovers, on a daily basis.

They come in many different forms, but they all count down to Christmas Day. After that, you are on your own. But there is always Dick Clark's, New Year's Eve Ball Drop in New York City for those that desire to keep counting down to something.

Fancy wooden pyramid (or Christmas tree) of Advent-URE!

Everything I know about Advent calendars I learned from the 350-page book entitled, "The History of The Advent Calendar." OK, I just made that up. Some of my knowledge of Advent calendars can be attributed to the most reliable encyclopedia on the web, Wikipedia. Most of it, though, comes from the movie, Bad Santa. Candy corn, HILARIOUS!!

"Well, they can't all be winners, can they?"

"Should I fix you some sandwiches?"

Let the countdown begin.

BLAHG you later!

NOV 28 Baby Wipes

Today, I am thankful for baby wipes.

Those days of crusty, baby-butt bottoms are gone, thanks, in part, to moist towelettes in handy, moist-preserving containers known as baby wipes, or as I like to call them, ASS WIPERS!

BAWs, Baby Ass Wipers, a generalized term.

If it's cleaning a baby's butt (BB), it's called a baby wipe. If it's cleaning your adult ass (AA), it's called an ass wiper. But for this blog post, let us call them baby ass wipers, or simply BAWs.

Not only do BAWs clean baby butt, and AA, very well, it also cleans puppy dog butt, too! How exciting! (Not really.)

Just because it's cute, doesn't mean it's not stinky.

BAWs really are the better choice for cleaning. They just moisten things up and make it easier to clean up any dry residue. When you've had too much Mexican food and you're fighting World War III inside your stomach, BAWs are a gentle, cool, refreshing cleanse on your burning butt. You may have to air it out for a little while to let it dry, otherwise, you won't know if you've had a "little accident" again. Even if you don't have babies, you can carry your own BAWs in fashionable cases that make it more acceptable for all.

Is that a coin purse? "No! It's a fashionable Vera Bradley BAWs clutch purse. I hear Gucci makes one too."

BAWs clean so well that you can use them on anything: cleaning a public toilet seat before you sit on it; removing food stains from your clothes; conditioning your leather sofas; they make your shoes shiny again; Dexter uses them to remove blood stains; even hazardous chemical spills are no match for BAWs. In fact, I believe OSHA has now included BAWs in their recommended format for Material Safety Data Sheets.

Don't ask what is in BAWs. Just know that they work. Don't go concocting your own secret recipe for homemade BAWs...

Because somebody will do this...

And somebody will have an accident with that knife.

You'll be too busy admiring your own concoction, thinking of marketing plans to help distribute your product to the four corners of the world...

You think baby is amazed at your homemade BAWs.

Meanwhile, baby gives you a reality check...

"Meh! I wasn't impressed."

Don't let baby give you a reality check. Just spend your money on over-priced designer BAWs clutch purses. Because somebody HAS designed them, and somebody IS going to buy them.

BLAHG you later!

NOV 27 Cake

Today, I am thankful for cake.

I love cake! Who doesn't love cake? It is yummy, delicious, sweet, moist, fluffy, creamy, rich. I could go on forever. Most importantly, cake is healthy. A study from MyOwnResearch Organization has almost published a study stating that cake is, in fact, healthier than originally thought.

Individually, the ingredients could be deemed harmful and could probably be used to make explosives, but mixed together they make a harmonious, scrumptious orgasm for your mouth (maybe more for some people).

Cakes are so versatile and go well with many occasions. 

Graduations call for cake.

It's like taking a bite out of your worst memories in high school, then shitting them out to be gone forever.

The most common occasion for cake is birthdays. Thank God for mothers birthing babies everyday. Somewhere out there is someone celebrating a birthday today, or at least, eating some birthday cake. If you are not having a birthday, it's probably because you're dead. However, we will still eat some cake on your behalf.

More proof that cakes are healthy. They don't explode when exposed to fire. 

What!? That's not a book? It's really CAKE? Oh, sweet surprise!

My favorite kind of cakes are cupcakes. Easy, single servings. No knives required. No plates required. And sometimes you can shove it all in your mouth without making a mess on your hands or your face. (However, if you choke on it, you may make a mess on the floor if you pass out and unwillingly relieve your bowels.)

Perfect size cake for those times when you are being chased by the neighbors big, mean dog.

Cake, you can have yours AND eat it too!...as long as you're alive (according to the almost published MyOwnResearch Organization study).

BLAHG you later!

NOV 26 Dog Harnesses

Today, I am thankful for dog harnesses.

I have two small dogs and I love them. I don't want to kill them. That is why I love dog harnesses. Dog collars and crackhead baby dogs that want to dart across the street chasing after squirrels or just want to make a prison break for it are not a good combination because they could snap their necks or crush their tracheas when the leash reaches its maximum length.

I'm sure my dogs get teased by the bigger dogs that aren't as susceptible to such neck injuries for the way they look in their harnesses, but, I am helping preserve their tracheas and their lives. Who cares what the harnesses look like. Besides, those other dogs are just big and dumb. (Unless, they are really smart like a poodle or something.)

This is Lilly. The harness is doing its job.

Here is another example of how the harness helps protect their delicate trachea.

This is Chino. Look at that perfect form just from wearing the harness.

Let's take another look, from a different angle.

His trachea is in a well protected position.

If harness-wearing were a Dog Olympic sport, Chino would be the Nadia Comaneci with a perfect score of ten for form, style, and tracheal safety.

Dog harnesses ARE life harnesses.

BLAHG you later!

NOV 25 George Foreman Grill

Today, I am thankful for the George Foreman Grill.

Some people prefer charcoal burning grills. Some prefer gas burning grills. I prefer the electric kind, the George Foreman Grill, or the GFG. Not only is it healthy grilling, it's all-year long grilling, at any time of the day, in any place with a 120V electrical wall outlet or power extension cord.

 

Thank you, Mr. Foreman for not losing your mind after all those punches to the head.

Grill masters will frown upon the GFG users in much the same way, I imagine, that Michelangelo would frown upon kindergarten kids calling themselves artists for making finger paintings. I, on the other hand, consider myself a Michelangelo grill master of the GFG.

I have finally mastered how to make tasty medium rare steaks on the GFG. That is ALL I will grill now; well, that and hot dogs. I tried making soup on there once, but it made a horrible mess. (FYI, liquids and electrical power cords don't play well together, even on the GFG.)

My canvas!!

Here is the secret to grilling an awesome steak on the GFG, DON'T CLEAN IT. That's right. Don't clean the GFG and your food comes out tasting like filet mignon even if it's just ground beef.

Did I mention it's also healthy cooking? I really don't know about that claim. What I do know is that I don't have a house full of smoke that you would get from real grills. I confine my smoke to just the kitchen.

Say hello to my little friend...

Just the right size for one big ass burger.

Next time you feel like grilling, but can't because it's storming outside and all that rain would put a damper on your grilling fire, reach for a George Foreman Grill and grill indoors until your heart is content. And pray there is no power outage, then you'll be out of luck and you'll be stuck with raw meat slowly going bad.

BLAHG you later!

NOV 24 Strong Flushes

Today, I am thankful for strong flushes.

Going to a restroom that you are unfamiliar with is stressful. You don't know what to expect. You are not sure of the acoustics or sound proofing in that restroom. Above all, you have no idea what kind of flush you are going to get. Personally, I love a toilet with a strong flush.

Toilets with strong flushes are very reassuring. The last thing you want to see after you have used a toilet unfamiliar to you is the water slowly rising, especially after you have dropped off the kids with the pets. That nervous feeling is up there next to, "Please don't be pregnant!" and "Please don't give me a ticket!"

The classic white with handle.

The toilet with the handle is still superior to the auto-flush toilet. You have to keep moving on those, or else, you end up with a wet lower back from the splash.

The modern contemporary toilet for the incarcerated.

And matching His and His toilet and urinal...in pink.

Next time you find yourself in unfamiliar territory, trial flush the toilet first before unloading anything that you don't want to go overboard. If you are in Mexico, you're shit out of luck. Just drop and run!!

BLAHG you later!

NOV 23 Paper Plates

Today, I am thankful for paper plates.

Who doesn't love paper plates? Maybe the people of PAPPA-OPS Organization, an organization that is against the use of paper plates and other paper products. The acronym stands for People Against Paper Plates And Other Paper Stuff.

Regardless of what the PAPPA-OPS campaign is, I am all for the use of paper plates. Let me tell you why.

Dixie paper plates, or how I like to call them D-Plates. I'm sorry, I don't have any D-Cups to show you.

Paper plates are awesome because:

1. They make a cool pattern from the print on the edge of the plate when they are stacked high, almost psychedelic.

2. There is no emotional attachment to paper plates like there is for fine china, even not-so-fine china. If a china plate breaks, people cry,"It belonged to my great, great-grandmother. Boo hoo!" If a paper plate breaks, WAIT! It won't break because it's made out of paper. Even if it is torn, you have a stack full to choose from.

3. They keep the kitchen clean, at least the sink. You won't have as many dirty dishes in the sink or the washer. Now if you have them in the washer, you are one cheap, not-so-bright individual (or the nicer way to say it, DUMBASS!).

4. You can go as cheap as you want, or as fancy as you want with your paper plates. I prefer a middle ground. Too cheap, and it looks like I am dirt poor. Too fancy, and people will want me to move my double-wide trailer home to Beverly Hills. Middle ground says enough money to have food, too poor to afford real plates. I'm fine with that.

5. You can use them to move big furniture around the house. Slide them under the sofa feet and push away, it's that easy. (WARNING: it only works if you have carpet and are sober.)

6. You can play Drunk Frisbee with them when you're...drunk. However, do not move furniture.

Paper plates have so many good uses. It's a shame the PAPPA-OPS Organization is campaigning to eliminate them from the world.

BLAHG you later!

NOV 22 Louisiana

Today, I am thankful for Louisiana.

Louisiana, you are a good state. You are our neighbor. You complete me...(only because you have part of Texas' border).

Some day you'll be part of Texas again.

OK, I'll be honest, Louisiana. I don't know who you are, or where you came from. The only thing I know about you I learned from the opening credits sequence from the show, True Blood, and that is some very scary shit. The other is from the show, Swamp People, and that is even more frightening! Needless to say, you frankly scare the crap out of me.

I will say this, though. Today, I am thankful for your hot sauce. Yes, your original "Louisiana Hot Sauce." One drop does it! You make yummy things taste very spicy yummier! (I'm speaking your language now.)

How y'all are?

Take that bag of popcorn, for example. It's just a bag of plain old, organic, olive oil popcorn, but add Louisiana Hot Sauce to it... and it's a freaking fiesta!! You're making me sweat.

Arriba! Arriba!

And when I say you make me sweat, I literally mean that you make me sweat. Spiciness, for some reason, makes my head sweat. (Yes, I know. It's a phenomenon!) But, I can't stop eating the popcorn with your hot sauce. I've had the entire bag. That's a lot of popcorn with a lot of hot sauce I've eaten. It burns on the way in, and it'll probably burn on the way out too. It is a sacrifice I am willing to make. (I'll be taking those words back in the morning.)

I may not know much about you, Louisiana, but all I need to know is that you crafted some mighty nice spicy hot sauce that makes a lot of Mexicans happy. So much so that we have actually claimed it as our own discovery. We even call it "Luisa Hut Sos," or simply "El chile." Muchas grassy-ass.

BLAHG you later!